Life has been chaotic, unorganized, and yet so empty. It's clear that we don't like our jobs; I think that's the source of our predicament. I have a degree that I love so very dearly, that I am proud to say when others ask, but one that doesn't seem to make the cut when it comes to public health jobs. Because it's not a master's, because I'm young, because I don't have any experience, because the economy's bad, because there's not enough funding. I feel like I'm standing in a crowded room where there's hundreds of doors waiting for me to open but everyone else has a key. If anything, it has reinforced my need to get a master's degree, but has severely hurt my self-confidence in being worthy of a job in public health.

And there are very little of those jobs to apply for. I get sick of relying on organizations, the government, businesses to have a position open, to even call for an interview, and even remotely consider giving me a job. I want to just apply for my own grant and make a job for myself, doing what I want. [that's not such a bad idea]

So I have resorted to being creative in supporting myself (outside of working a 40 hour a week job). I have a side job doing graphic design (it fulfills my need to feel artsy and hip while paying me a little extra to pay bills). I want to finish this children's book and be able to have a beautiful piece of me to share with the world. I've been feeling this urge lately to reconnect with my artsy creative side and use that to support us and to bring back the Linsey I seem to have lost in the fog of living in a place I dislike.

I feel depressed, lost, and slightly hopeless. I apply for jobs, half kidding myself because they never seem to call me back. I am sick of tending to the ungrateful, not being able to dress up for fear of a completely inappropriate comment, and shutting myself off emotionally at work in order to tolerate the clients. I have always been passionate about my job and that connects with my emotions, my love, my yearning to feel purpose. This job ain't cuttin' it.

My hope isn't completely gone. Deep down I know this is just a test. I'm either going to tough it out or I'm going to create some wings and fly myself out of this situation. Sometimes I wonder if I have just been really spoiled with the jobs I've had and the opportunities I've been given. Okay--I have. So maybe this is Life's test if I'm worthy for more good luck and fortune. But really, I'm a believer in making your own fortune. This situation has really started to change the way I think about employment. It's made me realize how much of my self-worth I attach to my job and how unhealthy that is. I'm tenacious, smart, creative, loving, and damn it, I'm worth it! I can't let a job mess that up. Especially one that already undervalues me.

It's also made me realize that maybe it's time I stop relying on having a job provided for me. Meaning, how about creating something for myself that utilizes my unique talents and skills. Like be an entrepreneur but employing myself. That probably doesn't make sense but in my head it sounded good [story of my life]. I'm ready to do something different, to take the path less traveled, and just let my freak flag fly [kind of]. I want to be artsy and smart and I want that to translate into a job I love. I think I'm too much of an idealist.

But I want to be happy...with my James and my Neville.

I want to feel like me again.

Not this person who wakes up without a plan, without color.

This isn't me.

I'm ready to do something different--and I think I'll start with getting a good night sleep.